In Search of the Perfect Chicken Nugget

My ten year old niece spent last summer at my house.  Probably like a lot of kids her age it's difficult finding  food that she will eat without a complaint.  Night after night I would cook the most basic of dinners in an effort to get her to eat a nutritious meal.  It was always a struggle, almost a nightmare.  But on the rare occasion we took her out to eat there was something she would shove down her throat without a whisper of negativity.  Whether we went for Chinese, Indian or just typical Irish pub fare, you could be sure there would be "chicken nuggets and chips" on the kids' menu.  This nutritionally perfect culinary delight was on every kids' menu I looked at.  This gave me an idea.  I would make chicken nuggets at home and we could avoid the nightly battle to get her to eat.  I bought some chicken breast, sliced it up into nice chunks, dipped them in flour, then egg, then my own seasoned breadcrumbs and then pan fried them in some vegetable oil.  Guess what?  She hated them.  I tasted one to see if I could actually screw up chicken nuggets.  But they tasted great.  Still, she wouldn't eat them.  "They're not like the ones i'm used to!" she would complain.  So it became my mission to seek out this nugget recipe that is universally devoured by children.  The recipe that is used in every fast food place from here to Tokyo.  The same recipe that is used in every frozen nugget section of every supermarket in every corner of the world.  After months of searching I finally persuaded a French michelin star chef to let me in on the secret to this perfect dish.  So without futher ado, here it is:

The Perfect Chicken Nugget

Ingredients:

-A large amount of chicken SKIN
-A bunch of chicken Carcasses (Make sure all meat is removed BUT leave the feet and nails intact, also leave any ligaments or sinew hanging off the bone)
-Sugar   (1 cup per carcass)
-Emulsifying gums
-Polyphosphates
-Soya Protein
-Hydrolyzed Proteins (from pork or beef hide)
-Water
-Some generic batter
-Stale breadcrumbs

*For best results DO NOT use the skin and carcass of an organic chicken.  Use the chickens food producers use. The ones that live the 5 weeks of their lives in a cage shoulder to shoulder with other chickens, their breasts so chemically overgrown that their legs cannot support their weight so they waddle around in their own feces.  This helps to flavor the skin you will be using.

-Put your chicken skin through a mincer or meat grinder (a sausage maker will work) and grind the skin down to a jelly-like substance.

-Next we need to process our carcasses so we have "MRM", this is an abbreviation for "mechanically recovered meat".  In a food processing plant the carcasses are basically passed through a strong mesh screen.  Everything is mechanically pushed through, turning the bones, the feet, the nails and any bits that were hanging off the meatless bones into, well, "goo".  Most people will not have one of these machines in their home so I came up with a solution that works for me.  Get a triple layer of heavy duty black garbage bags, throw in your chicken carcasses and tie a good knot at the top.  Make sure you get all the air out so the bag doesn't pop.  Now take the bag of carcasses out to your driveway and run over the bag with your car about a hundred times.  If you have a small or compact car you may need to repeat another hundred times.  A minivan packed with children works great.  This should replicate the "goo" of MRM.

-Now dump your skin jelly and carcass goo into a bread mixer and set the speed to low.  At this stage you want to add the same amount of water as you have jelly and goo.  50/50 water to jelly/goo should be perfect.   Remember, we want to get our monies worth so the water will double our output and make these products go a long way.

-Add Sugar, Don't be shy.  We need to sweeten that jelly goo.

-Now add your Emulsifying gums and polyphosphates.  This will bind our mix together and give it gummy like texture.

-Add the hydrolyzed proteins.  This will ensure the water is retained even during cooking.

-Add the Soya Protein. This is a key part in our mixing.  The soya protein will turn our jelly/goo/gummy mixture into a meat-like texture.  Very important since there is absolutely no meat in our mix.

-Remove from mixer.  With a mold resembling a nugget, or with your hands, form nuggetlike shapes.  I strongly suggest wearing rubber gloves.  You do not want to get this on your skin.  The smell will last for days.  (Never mind the risk of infection.) 

-Get your oil ready.  In a deep fat fryer or heavy based frying pan bring your oil to frying temperature.  To replicate factory frying conditions I recommend the following:
          -use very old cooking oil.  Everytime you use olive oil or vegetable oil save it in a jar, don't worry how long it sits.  Remember, in a factory they fry tens of thousand in the same oil, so you need to have it dirty for best results.

-Dip nugget molds into batter, then breadcrumbs, and fry for 1-2 minutes.  Take out and serve immediately, preferably swimming in the nice hot oil.

You do not need to serve this with vegetables.  I have never seen "chicken nuggets and chips" served with a vegetable.  Apparantly it contains enough of the essential vitamins and minerals to just serve on its own.  Surely it is the perfect meal for a child- one that will help their concentration in school, provide energy for their growing bodies and aid in warding off future cancers.  ENJOY!