In Search of the Perfect Chicken Nugget

My ten year old niece spent last summer at my house.  Probably like a lot of kids her age it's difficult finding  food that she will eat without a complaint.  Night after night I would cook the most basic of dinners in an effort to get her to eat a nutritious meal.  It was always a struggle, almost a nightmare.  But on the rare occasion we took her out to eat there was something she would shove down her throat without a whisper of negativity.  Whether we went for Chinese, Indian or just typical Irish pub fare, you could be sure there would be "chicken nuggets and chips" on the kids' menu.  This nutritionally perfect culinary delight was on every kids' menu I looked at.  This gave me an idea.  I would make chicken nuggets at home and we could avoid the nightly battle to get her to eat.  I bought some chicken breast, sliced it up into nice chunks, dipped them in flour, then egg, then my own seasoned breadcrumbs and then pan fried them in some vegetable oil.  Guess what?  She hated them.  I tasted one to see if I could actually screw up chicken nuggets.  But they tasted great.  Still, she wouldn't eat them.  "They're not like the ones i'm used to!" she would complain.  So it became my mission to seek out this nugget recipe that is universally devoured by children.  The recipe that is used in every fast food place from here to Tokyo.  The same recipe that is used in every frozen nugget section of every supermarket in every corner of the world.  After months of searching I finally persuaded a French michelin star chef to let me in on the secret to this perfect dish.  So without futher ado, here it is:

The Perfect Chicken Nugget

Ingredients:

-A large amount of chicken SKIN
-A bunch of chicken Carcasses (Make sure all meat is removed BUT leave the feet and nails intact, also leave any ligaments or sinew hanging off the bone)
-Sugar   (1 cup per carcass)
-Emulsifying gums
-Polyphosphates
-Soya Protein
-Hydrolyzed Proteins (from pork or beef hide)
-Water
-Some generic batter
-Stale breadcrumbs

*For best results DO NOT use the skin and carcass of an organic chicken.  Use the chickens food producers use. The ones that live the 5 weeks of their lives in a cage shoulder to shoulder with other chickens, their breasts so chemically overgrown that their legs cannot support their weight so they waddle around in their own feces.  This helps to flavor the skin you will be using.

-Put your chicken skin through a mincer or meat grinder (a sausage maker will work) and grind the skin down to a jelly-like substance.

-Next we need to process our carcasses so we have "MRM", this is an abbreviation for "mechanically recovered meat".  In a food processing plant the carcasses are basically passed through a strong mesh screen.  Everything is mechanically pushed through, turning the bones, the feet, the nails and any bits that were hanging off the meatless bones into, well, "goo".  Most people will not have one of these machines in their home so I came up with a solution that works for me.  Get a triple layer of heavy duty black garbage bags, throw in your chicken carcasses and tie a good knot at the top.  Make sure you get all the air out so the bag doesn't pop.  Now take the bag of carcasses out to your driveway and run over the bag with your car about a hundred times.  If you have a small or compact car you may need to repeat another hundred times.  A minivan packed with children works great.  This should replicate the "goo" of MRM.

-Now dump your skin jelly and carcass goo into a bread mixer and set the speed to low.  At this stage you want to add the same amount of water as you have jelly and goo.  50/50 water to jelly/goo should be perfect.   Remember, we want to get our monies worth so the water will double our output and make these products go a long way.

-Add Sugar, Don't be shy.  We need to sweeten that jelly goo.

-Now add your Emulsifying gums and polyphosphates.  This will bind our mix together and give it gummy like texture.

-Add the hydrolyzed proteins.  This will ensure the water is retained even during cooking.

-Add the Soya Protein. This is a key part in our mixing.  The soya protein will turn our jelly/goo/gummy mixture into a meat-like texture.  Very important since there is absolutely no meat in our mix.

-Remove from mixer.  With a mold resembling a nugget, or with your hands, form nuggetlike shapes.  I strongly suggest wearing rubber gloves.  You do not want to get this on your skin.  The smell will last for days.  (Never mind the risk of infection.) 

-Get your oil ready.  In a deep fat fryer or heavy based frying pan bring your oil to frying temperature.  To replicate factory frying conditions I recommend the following:
          -use very old cooking oil.  Everytime you use olive oil or vegetable oil save it in a jar, don't worry how long it sits.  Remember, in a factory they fry tens of thousand in the same oil, so you need to have it dirty for best results.

-Dip nugget molds into batter, then breadcrumbs, and fry for 1-2 minutes.  Take out and serve immediately, preferably swimming in the nice hot oil.

You do not need to serve this with vegetables.  I have never seen "chicken nuggets and chips" served with a vegetable.  Apparantly it contains enough of the essential vitamins and minerals to just serve on its own.  Surely it is the perfect meal for a child- one that will help their concentration in school, provide energy for their growing bodies and aid in warding off future cancers.  ENJOY!

It's TA now, not T&A

Imagine you own a restaurant. Or a hotel. Or a bar. Or even a scooter rental agency. Do you want some great free advertising? Well ask your Mom for a list of who will be coming over for Thanksgiving. Then in December ask for a Christmas list. Family reunion coming up? Get a list. If you have a large family your list will be getting pretty long by now. Now just write a small letter to everyone on your list. You can make it generic and just change the name on top. When you see them at these family functions just pass out your letters and ask if they could do you a favor. They’re family, right?  They won’t be offended. In this letter kindly ask the recipient to write you a sparkling review on the “be all and end all” review site of the world, Tripadvisor. Known just as TA to travel enthusiasts.  If you can get 40 people to do this you’ll probably wind up in the top 5 on Tripadvisor. Even if 15 real reviewers bash your place, guess what? You’ll probably still be ranked in the top 10. This will significantly promote your business among the throngs of Americans, and the rest of the world for that matter, who treat Tripadvisor as the Bible of travel. Those who wouldn’t dare go anywhere until they have read a review by Johnny Numbnuts from Backass, Nowhere.  You get into the top 3 in a big city and you could be set for life.  So you can just imagine to what lengths businesses will go to boost their Tripadvisor status.  They'll fake it.  But this idea is not original, everyone who owns a business does it. Just as you can be sure competitors in the same area will use bad reviews to diminish each others status. A business is ranked higher than you? They may be better or they may just have more friends than you. Who knows? The point is that probably half (if not more) of what you read on Tripadvisor is just a fabrication. Reviews written by people who have never eaten in that restaurant, slept in that hotel, sipped a cocktail in that bar or ridden on the death trap of a scooter that you are now convinced is safe.

But let’s be honest, we’re never going to stop looking at Tripadvisor. And as skeptical as I am to the validity of some of the reviews I still use it all the time.  My wife loves Tripadvisor and actively writes about her hotel and restaurant experiences. And she has found some great places using it. So I have a few words of advice when using Tripadvisor. Take a look at who wrote the review, not just the review itself. If they have only given a one off review then I just don't trust it. The Tripadvisor faithful tend to write often and you can look at other places they have visited and written about. Which is always a good thing. Look at where they like to travel or eat; do you like these places? Also have a look at where the reviewer is from. Being from New York, I tend to read more closely if the reviewer is also from New York. Not because New York is better, but I’m sure a guy from Brisbane, Australia will have more in common with a fellow Brisbanian than someone from Santiago, Chili. You get me? Also look at the age group. (There is a reason there are these categories).  I don’t think a gaggle of 25 year old girls on a drunken hen weekend are a good reference if you are an older couple looking for a quiet getaway. Yeah, they could give it the best review ever, but really, need I say more. So we'll never abandon Tripadvisor altogether. But it has been corrupted over the years and it is no longer the unbiased review forum that it used to be, if it ever really was.
If you don’t believe me have a look: http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/local-national/republic-of-ireland/irish-hotel-told-staff-to-fake-tripadvisor-reviews-14991108.html  They were just stupid enough to get caught.
I have to go. I'm going to Mexico in December and my hotel is 6th! on TA.  I just need to read a few more reviews.

"Get me home so i can write my review!"

The Last Samurai (of Galway)

A great thing about living in New York is the endless and diverse amount of produce at your disposal. I doubt there's an ingredient for some obscure dish that you couldn't find in one of the thousands of ethnic shops. So when you get the urge to make your own Japanese feast you need only walk to your trusted fishmonger and get yourself  a big chunk of sushi grade tuna. But I don't live in New York anymore. I currently reside in the west of Ireland.  Not exactly the mecca of Japanese cuisine.  But specialty shops have started to crop up and after a few years of searching around and asking i can pretty much get whatever i need these days (albeit sometimes at extortionate prices).  Even Italian food is a relative newcomer in these parts.  In an article by Paolo Tullio, "the Italian food critic of Ireland", he describes how ten years ago the only place to get a bottle of extra virgin olive oil was the pharmacy!  But Italian food is now firmly rooted here.  In Dublin there is a wide variety of regional Italian restaurants to choose from.  The west is catching up, but ask a local for marinara and you could get mistook for soliciting drugs.

But this an island and an island means fish.  Fresh fish means...well a lot of things, and one thing is sushi, those beautiful shining pieces of raw fish flesh that i miss so much.  I realised about 3 years ago that the only way to get it here in Galway was to prepare my own. As willing as most people are to gorge on it in restaurants, most home cooks seem to shy away from it. I'm not a skilled Japanese knife wielder but i no longer have the luxury of walking out of my apartment on the upper east side and having my choice of Japanese restaurants on every corner.  So if i want it i make it.  Obviously you need the freshest of fish. Salmon is abundant off the shores of Ireland and you can get it as fresh as the best restaurants in the world.  Tuna, the crown jewel of sushi, has to be imported. But not to worry, a lot of Japanese restaurants import their fish from Japan.  I just have to be patient. This is where it helps to be friendly with your fishmonger. When Patrick gets in a nice piece of fresh tuna, usually from Sri Lanka, he sends me a text. This often leads to spontaneous sushi eating when you weren't expecting it but who's complaining.  If you don't know your fishmonger and don't like the look or smell of the fish, DO NOT ask him if what you are buying is ok to eat raw.  What is he going to do?  Admit that his fish isn't fresh?  I don't think so.  If he lies and says yes then you're possibly in store for an agonizing, sweating, gut wrenching night.  Basically, not a good strategy.  So get to know your guy and use common sense.   

Fresh fish in hand, the next key ingredient is your sushi rice. The sugar and rice vinegar flavouring is nearly as important as the freshest of fish.  I always use this rice recipe:   Rinse 2 1/2 cups sushi rice under cold water until it runs clear; drain in the strainer for an hour.  Put in a saucepan with 3 cups water, bring to the boil and cook 5-10 mins or until tunnels form on surface.  Reduce heat to low, cover and cook 12-15 mins until tender. Remove from heat, cover with a tea towel, leave for 15 mins.  Combine 5 tbsp rice vinegar, 1 tbsp mirin, 2 tsp salt and 2 tbsp sugar(yes 2 tbsp) and stir to dissolve.  Spread the rice in a non-metallic tray, top with the dressing and mix thru.  Spread out and cool to body tempurature.  Once your fish is sliced you're ready for rolls, sashimi or sushi.  Get a nice hot wasabi paste because who doesn't love the wasabi burn that hits you right in the most sensitive area of your nostril and an overdose can double you over in pain.  And don't forget your sake, lots of it.

P.S.  Shizuo Tsuji has a book called "Japanese Cooking- A Simple Art"  It's a bible of Japanese food.  If you enjoy Japanese cooking then  I highly recommend it.

Paella Tunnel Vision

I love Spanish food.  Whether it's a simple plate of jamon serrano with manchego cheese or pulpo gallego I just can't get enough.  I like paella but I refuse to order it in a restaurant.  I was just having this discussion with my brother 2 weeks ago.  You're basically paying for a big ass plate of rice with some shellfish thrown into it.  I like rice and I love shellfish, but with paella you just get overcharged and wait a long time for a lot of rice and a little bit of shellfish.  For the same price you can get a huge mixed grill of various shellfish.  Paella is time consuming to make and you pay for that time, not the ingredients.  I just don't get peoples' fascination of going to a Spanish restaurant and having paella tunnel vision.  When it comes to Spanish food I rank paella at the bottom end of their cuisine.  I don't think you'll find paella at el Bulli. http://www.elbulli.com/  (It was voted best restaurant in the world for the past 5 years or so.)  I will make one exception on ordering paella- if i'm in Valencia, with a local, who shows me a restaurant that is, (as this local may claim), the grandfather of paella, then bring it on.  But that's it. 

On the other hand, Paella is a great dish to cook at home.  It's relatively cheap, fills you up (all that rice), and pretty easy to make.  So i'm not anti-paella, I just won't order the stuff in a restaurant.  But for home cooking it's great, you can vary the ingredients and in doing so you can seriously vary how much you spend.  I'm going to give you my brother's recipe, it's simple and always comes out great. 

Dave's Paella - this will easily feed 4

2 1/2 cups Arborio Rice
2 tsp saffron
3 chicken thighs
20 shrimp (prawns)
1 large onion diced
4 cloves garlic halved
chili flakes
1 large red pepper diced
3 3/4 cups chicken stock
2-3 chorizo links sliced
bag of clams

Preheat oven to 475F
Fry garlic, onion and pepper in oil.  Throw in chicken and brown. Add Chorizo and brown and then add the shrimp.  Add rice and stir.  Add stock mixture(with dissolved saffron).  Season with salt and pepper and add some chili flakes (depending on how spicy you want it). Push everything into the liquid and put in oven for about 40 mins, add the clams for the last 10 mins.  After 30-40 mins check rice, when its tender, but still a bit al dente, its done.  See, easy.

Top Ten Club

While Venice is notorious for overpriced, bad Italian food, there is a restaurant which makes it into my all time top ten.  La Hosteria da Franz, situated on a quiet side canal,  is one of those once in a lifetime food experiences.  Now remember, you are in Venice, where nothing is cheap, and neither is La Franz, but you do get your money's worth.  Franz, the owner, will personally seat you at your table and guide you through your dinner, Franz style.  Relax with your glass of complimentary prosecco (unheard of in Venice) and let Franz take over.  There are no menus, apart from the wine list, only what was caught or made that day is read to you from the specials list, mostly seafood.  They love their food at Franz and they love serving it to you.  I had the fresh baked eels to start, followed by the pasta special, a homeade chocolate infused pasta, and sea bass for my main course. All perfect, with portion sizes that just leave enough room for a homeade dessert.  We let Franz choose a Venetian white(of which i can't remember) to wash it all down with.   During our stay, we tried two other restaurants, both more expensive and highly recommended, but they didn't come close to Franz.  We wound up eating there again on our last nite. And the location is perfect, set away from the cattle herds of cruiseliners, Franz is on a quiet canal in a residential part of the city, about a ten minute walk from the main square.  About 12 tables are lined next to the canal which makes the experience even more pleasurable.I would go back to Venice just to eat at Hosteria da Franz. 

I love Octopus

I admit it 110%.  I love octopus.  That may turn some of you off right away but i do.  I could eat it for breakfast lunch and dinner.  At least for a few months.  Whenever i'm in Spain or Italy i know it's pulpo or polpo time, all the time.  I was recently in Sicily and told my relatives about my love for octopus, well, let's just say for the next two days i was force fed octopus.  Everywhere we went together there was a huge plate of octopus being thrown at me and i wasn't complaining.  Like i said, i love it.  Cold, warm, hot. In a salad or in a smoking skillet, doesn't matter, just keep it coming.